Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Today I've wondered why God wants us to learn lessons about loss. Why must we go through the processes of parting from things and people we love? What is gained through this pain and heartache, and what are we suppose to find when we come out the other side?
Our kitty Misty has not come home. We've searched, hunted, put up signs, been in touch with local agencies... I think only a miracle will bring her home now. The other night I had a dream that she was trapped in someone's house. She wasn't totally unhappy, but she did not feel free. She wanted to come home. The maddening thing was, in the dream the house was less than a block from my home. I get the impression that she is right under my nose, but cannot seem to find her. Although in the dream I did rescue her and bring her home, so that made me feel good, until of course I woke up and realized it was only a dream. I must accept the loss of this beautiful, sweet kitty, but my heart is not yet ready to go there.
Today I have also keenly felt the loss of connection to my birth family. I went to a new doctor who of course gave me a pile of paperwork. Thing is, when you're adopted, you can fly through a lot of that paperwork. They ask all kinds of historical questions about family diseases, and I just kept writing "adopted, unknown". Each time I wrote it I felt the anger of the disconnection -- that loss of self identity -- that others chose for me. I do not know a huge part of who I am. It feels like a tremendous void in my inner being. There is a huge sense of loss.
Then at a business meeting today we talked for a moment about Brigette, a beautiful friend of mine who passed 4 years ago from multiple myeloma. She died quickly and unexpectedly at only 44 years of age. Just weeks before my husband said good-bye to Yoda, a feline companion of 18 years, who had tongue cancer. The year before I was overwhelmed by the loss of my feline companion, Shante (pictured below), who also went from cancer. I thought of these losses as I waited under my paper gown for my new gynecologist to come and do his thing. We never know sometimes when our time will be to exit stage left, and those behind will feel a loss.
So what of it, God, how come we go through loss? I can only speak from personal experience, but I think one of the greatest lessons we get from loss is a comprehension of how deeply we love. I can't say the same is true when I lose weight, but having lost friends and animal companions, I do know the depth of love is what seems most bold in those grieving hours. Mary Hulnick, one of the founders of University of Santa Monica, once said, "The depth of our grief is a measure of how deeply we have loved." And I do believe God is showing us through our losses that we have the capacity to love so deeply.
Today I yearned for another kitty. I thought to myself, "Misty may never come home, but this may be an opportunity to love another homeless cat."
By definition loss is parting with something that we do not wish to part with (again, don't have a clue why they use this word with weight loss). It brings about a yearning for something we wish to keep. Sometimes we try so hard to hold on, which only prolongs the inevitable loss.
This happened when my kitty Shante died. The vet gave her the injection, and I began to sob uncontrollably. Shante did not die despite receiving the full dose. The vet got angry at me and told me to pull it together and tell her she could go. She was staying for me. So I did pull it together and I told her I would be okay. I would miss her terribly, but I would be okay. Took the vet 15 minutes to find another vein, and then Shante left. And as her soul left that sweet feline form, I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And as the days passed afterwards, and I cried more tears than I thought possible, it was that sense of peace that I clung to as a way to support my heart and soul. I KNEW she was okay, even if I couldn't see it with my human eyes.
So that loss taught me about God. Taught me about Spirit. About our connection despite the physical form we may take. It actually spurred the beginning of my own spiritual journey. Do you suppose that is the biggest lesson in loss -- that we are connected no matter the realm we occupy? Is this why I chose an adopted family in this lifetime -- so on some level my soul could really learn the lesson that biology does not connect us -- our divinity does?
Yes, this seems to be a good reason to experience loss. As does the experience of our measure of love. God has a plan for all of us, and even if we struggle through our lives, know that in each window of opportunity, there is a lesson to grow from.
