It's All In My Head!

Friday, July 25, 2008

When I begin to cry or I'm really upset, I have that downward spiral feeling that I know is going to lead to a pit of emotion that I must wade my way out of. Ugh! Must I take this trip yet again!? It's even more exasperating when I realize it's all in my head, and my thoughts are converting to emotions that are just plain tripping me out. But then when I finally get what's trigging the inner onslaught, I reach a choice point. I can cop to it and be okay knowing that I just experienced my own mind trip. Or I can stay in that place of blame where I am positively certain that it has nothing to do with me -- for sure it is everybody else that makes me be the way that I am.

I used to be in the second position all the time. My mom made me feel insecure. My classmates made me hate my body. Society makes me hate that I am not perfect. They all made me do it!! Problem is, that defense doesn't hold up in court. We all have free will. If somebody "made" us do it, then the fact is we agreed to let it happen. Oh, it might not have been a conscious agreement that you actually thought about, but on some level I agreed to go along with whatever it is they "made" me do.

But I do like what happens when I reach that point in a self-realization journey where I get that it is all in my head. My thoughts create my feelings which motivate my actions. The fact is, I made me do it! How's that for turning the tables? And I know right now you are creasing those eyebrows wondering what nutty thinking this may be. But let me tell you, it's so true.

Tonight I'm telling my husband about insecure about my looks and how I believe he doesn't love me because I'm overweight and truly I wonder if anybody will ever love me unless I am thin... blah, blah, blah. Then I come to realize that the past 10 days have been a boom for our business. Things are going off the charts and we for sure are coming to the end of a record month on all fronts. The horizon is full of possibilities and we finally can breath easily because we know our future is secure.

Then I see that all my tripping the past 10 days about abandonment, appearance, not being loved is tied up in this great success. My brain once again goes to "Am I good enough?" And then I take a deep breath as I ask myself again, "Am I good enough?" And I see finally that these insecurities that have been plaguing me for a week are all about this tremendous success. Because I am scared shitless that I'm not up to the task. I have given myself one heck of a mind trip, and I finally gave myself permission to get off of it. What a relief!

Of course I'm good enough! I'm better than good enough, and my track record proves it! And my husband not loving me or fear of failure are all thoughts that I put in my head. Thoughts I created and I ruminated on and I grew into something larger than reality. It was simply all in my head. How nice to know that I can also CHOOSE to step out of that!

Untangling the Web I Weave

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Today is a good day. Things seem to be going very well. Our business has suddenly taken off and we have so many wonderful projects coming in. Not sure how we're going to do them all, but I'm trusting that will happen. I have been taking care of myself food-wise and eating on plan for 3 days. I feel less tired. I only had one cup of coffee today. This is a good thing. I had my SE (somatic experiencing) appointment this morning, so I started the day in a calm, even space. My SE therapist gave us another lead on finding a live kidney donor for Steve... something to be so thrilled about. The kids are doing fabulous -- funny and fun as ever.

So with everything seeming to have fallen inline, I cannot help but wonder why I have spent most of this day feeling insecure, scared, nervous... It's as if a part of me is all shook up by the calm around. This morning my husband came to give me our morning hug, and I wondered if he was doing it because he wanted to or he felt he had to. Mid-day I was working on some projects and really feeling the stretch of learning I've had to go through to keep up. Can I do this? What if I screw something up?! And later in the day I had a group coaching call with my fabulous coach, Ralph White, and every time I spoke in the call I felt like a bumbling idiot. Me, who is usually so articulate, was stumbling over words. Didn't help that a couple of my clients were on the call. Did they think I sounded like an idiot?

It goes right back to what I wrote about the other day -- fear of abandoment. As unsignedmasterpiece said in a comment, "For what it's worth, you sound pretty loveable to me." And aren't I?

The crazy thing is, it feels like it all boils down to my weight. I hold a belief that I am truly hideous because of my weight. It does not help that I have aged considerably with two small kids and major health issues -- my body has been through the wringer in the past couple years. My hair was shocked white from the aneurysm. Oh, not all white, but even my hairdresser noticed that I went from just a little gray to about 50% gray pretty much over night.

I kid you not, I look at at myself and wonder who would love such a blob? My husband actually told me once that he isn't attracted to me overweight, and of course that just multiplied the problem exponentially. So anytime a thin, dark-haired, dark-eyed woman comes around, I'm paranoid he's packing up to run off. And I know it's just paranoia... I think. Yet the fear of it is so overwhelming. I am afraid I am not good enough because I do not look beautiful.

But this issue of my appearance goes beyond the personal. I like that I work at home and don't have to interact with others so much. I'm so worried I will be rejected based on my appearance. I'm not so great with clothes and I think and think before picking something for a business meeting. What if they don't like me because I'm fat or wearing the wrong thing? And in social situations I often dream of melding into the wallpaper so I don't have to try and keep up appearances that I feel happy with who I am.

The twists and tangles of psychology are so complex. I could probably give you five places the issues with my appearance originated from -- living in Southern California being near the top. Oh, and my mother saying, "Bonnie doesn't think she's beautiful. She knows she's plain looking." The real question is, how do we untangle this complex web of beliefs, feelings, thoughts and obsessions? Is it truly an onion that must be skinned one layer at a time?

I've done my fair share of internal work. I have a master in spiritual psychology, which is really just a degree in personal transformation. Two years of it on a monthly basis. I've done therapy, read books, done exercises at home. I've seen some of the unwinding of the onion skin -- the slow peel and the fast peel. I've seen other issues fall away and be healed forever. But this appearance psychosis... I haven't found the magic key. I know even if I lose weight, I will feel this way. The weight is a symptom of other things, and sure it effects my appearance, but I know from personal experience that this image issue is way more than just my weight.

Why do you suppose the American society is so image conscious? I've been to other countries, and they surely don't care as much as we do about appearances. People are beautiful just the way they are. But here in America they are so image conscious they do studies that prove that people who are "better looking" actually have an easier time in life. Who frickin' cares?! Yet so many of us buy into this ideology which goes against our internal esteem and in many cases we come up lacking.

I'm not saying there is an answer. All I'm saying is that amidst a finally calm and quiet time, where we have finally adjusted to the ups and downs, I feel sad. I feel sad because I am not enjoying our successes. And what I see is that in the eye of the storm, there really is nothing to distract me from the deep hole of emotions that I work so hard to keep bottled up.