Friday, August 8, 2008
I just had a huge Aha! moment. Had to get up to share. I just figured why I've been angry at somebody for several months now. I figured it out, and the anger has washed away. What a relief!
Currently my husband and I are going through a disasterous experience with an extremely dishonest car repair shop. My anger at the experience gnaws at my stomach. I have such a hard time interacting with people who are dishonest and deceitful, and I realized tonight that I am angry at myself for not seeing through this car repair guy to start with.
As I mused at the discomfort this anger brings forward, I realized that it mimicks the anger I have been feeling towards someone I will call A. For over a year I was involved in a community group that I thought was the be all and end all. I was way in, deep, and sucked so deep I didn't think I'd ever get out. Recently though, for the second time, I pulled myself out. The first time I did it on impulse with no reason (back in January). The second time I did it because A yelled at me. Nobody yells at me. This was my signal to pull back. To be sure there were many more reasons that I pulled out, but the yelling was the last straw.
Since I pulled out, I've thought and said some harsh things about the group and about A. I was angry. Recently I've been feeling angry because I've been rejected by others in the group. I pulled out, but I'm mad because they pushed me out too. Deservedly so, but still it stung.
But tonight as I revel in the pool of resentment and anger of the car repair guy, it came to light that the same pool of feelings lurks in the corner with the unfinished business I have with A. The anger of the yelling, the anger of the behavior, the anger of how it all played out... And then I had that moment of revelation. I am NOT angry at A at all... I am angry at ME!! Yes, ME!
I am angry at myself for falling for A's illusions of grandier. For falling into that trap of believing so completely that I could not see clearly. For ignoring my husband's words when he warned me it may not be how I was perceiving it. For ignoring my mother's words who strongly warned me that she sensed deceit behind A's supposedly loving gestures. For ignoring my own intuition that knew all along that this was too good to be true.
But despite all my ignoring and not paying attention, I am most angry at me because of my longing to belong. THAT is the reason I ignored all these signs. That is the reason I chose to believe A's song and dance. That is why I was led down the merry path in the belief it would lead to some creative nirvana. It was another repeat of a similar performance that I have done before in my life. To sacrifice in order to belong. To ignore my own inner guidance in order to feel a part. The tremendous desire to feel "normal" and "like" others, when in fact, as one friend recently said, "Do you know you're an anomaly?" I will never feel "normal" or "like" others. I am an INFJ. As my fellow-INFJ friend Suz has said, we are unique. Our skill set comes in such a small subset of the population, many people can go a whole lifetime without meeting one of us.
I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I BETRAYED ME FOR THE SAKE OF A. Well you know what, A, no more. I see through the game. Lead your sheep. I will not ever be part of the flock. And I see so clearly that my lesson with you was about breaking away from the need to be part of the flock. Let the "normal" people follow as they do not have the ingenuity to create their own path. I am on my own. As my mom has said to me many times, "Bonnie, you do not need a mentor. You just think you do."
And so my wonderful USM skill of forgiveness has assisted me in releasing myself of the anger towards A because I know that the true anger lies with me. And so I say:
- I forgive myself for judging myself as wrong.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as deceived.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as bad for speaking my opinion about A.
- I forgive myself for judging myself for having judged A and his group.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as having ignored my intuition.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as putting other's needs before my needs.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as an idiot.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as having made a mistake.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as weird.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as an outcast.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as different.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as unable to fit in.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy.
- I forgive myself for judging myself as rejected.
- I forgive myself for judging my feelings as wrong.
- I forgive myself and release myself for all judgments around all things to do with A and his organization.
1 comments:
Bonnie,
You are truly an inspiration to all of us in your ability to see the light and let go. I love that you can see through the fog of the circumstances and into the reality and not let others dim your bright light in this world. You are a gift to us all. Keep doing what you are doing we are all blessed.
Your friend
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