Busy Bee Indeed!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

So time has flown and I'm in a frazzle, but hey, that's life, isn't it? Seems most appropriate that I named my blog Busy Bonzlee. Indeed that has been me these past couple weeks.

Business boomed!! I mean seriously over the edge exploded. My husband and I are in awe, shock and serious stress trying to get it all under our wings so we can move forward into fame and fortune... this is how these things turn out, isn't it? We alternate between giggly happiness and throwing frustration. Corralling designers, keeping up quality and meeting deadlines that we set when we weren't so busy, it's all in a day's work.

But I'm pooped!! And some moments I wonder is it worth all the work? In six months times we've more than quadrupled our business. If we continue at this rate by the end of the year we will make 6 times as much as we made last year! Isn't that insane?! Who would have thunk?

But then I hear my kids crying because I haven't had much one-on-one time with them. I wonder if they're okay if we spend a year building a foundation which in the long run will bring us a very secure and comfortable life. I work at home so at least they see me. But I do miss them, and sometimes steal moments at night just lying with them in bed watching them sleep.

How much time away is okay if I am building our future? When I started this mountain climb I was hopeful but doubtful. As a few months past I started to see that my dreams of a lavish life were very doable, but in how much time? Now that 7 months have past, and we've seen a sharp upward turn of our earning curve, I suddenly see that all our dreams are possible. We can have more than we need, and live comfortable without working hard. But there is still more mountain to climb before we reach that plateau.

If it takes another 6 months or a year, do you think my kids will lose out because of it. It's not like I spend no time with them, but not as much as I did before. Jeremy is the one I worry the most because he goes to daycare all day rather than staying with us. Will they be okay if it's a while longer before mommy can plan with them for a couple hours every day?

This is where my heart hurts. I love our success, but I don't want our children to lose out in the meantime.

It's All In My Head!

Friday, July 25, 2008

When I begin to cry or I'm really upset, I have that downward spiral feeling that I know is going to lead to a pit of emotion that I must wade my way out of. Ugh! Must I take this trip yet again!? It's even more exasperating when I realize it's all in my head, and my thoughts are converting to emotions that are just plain tripping me out. But then when I finally get what's trigging the inner onslaught, I reach a choice point. I can cop to it and be okay knowing that I just experienced my own mind trip. Or I can stay in that place of blame where I am positively certain that it has nothing to do with me -- for sure it is everybody else that makes me be the way that I am.

I used to be in the second position all the time. My mom made me feel insecure. My classmates made me hate my body. Society makes me hate that I am not perfect. They all made me do it!! Problem is, that defense doesn't hold up in court. We all have free will. If somebody "made" us do it, then the fact is we agreed to let it happen. Oh, it might not have been a conscious agreement that you actually thought about, but on some level I agreed to go along with whatever it is they "made" me do.

But I do like what happens when I reach that point in a self-realization journey where I get that it is all in my head. My thoughts create my feelings which motivate my actions. The fact is, I made me do it! How's that for turning the tables? And I know right now you are creasing those eyebrows wondering what nutty thinking this may be. But let me tell you, it's so true.

Tonight I'm telling my husband about insecure about my looks and how I believe he doesn't love me because I'm overweight and truly I wonder if anybody will ever love me unless I am thin... blah, blah, blah. Then I come to realize that the past 10 days have been a boom for our business. Things are going off the charts and we for sure are coming to the end of a record month on all fronts. The horizon is full of possibilities and we finally can breath easily because we know our future is secure.

Then I see that all my tripping the past 10 days about abandonment, appearance, not being loved is tied up in this great success. My brain once again goes to "Am I good enough?" And then I take a deep breath as I ask myself again, "Am I good enough?" And I see finally that these insecurities that have been plaguing me for a week are all about this tremendous success. Because I am scared shitless that I'm not up to the task. I have given myself one heck of a mind trip, and I finally gave myself permission to get off of it. What a relief!

Of course I'm good enough! I'm better than good enough, and my track record proves it! And my husband not loving me or fear of failure are all thoughts that I put in my head. Thoughts I created and I ruminated on and I grew into something larger than reality. It was simply all in my head. How nice to know that I can also CHOOSE to step out of that!