Learning About Loss

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Today I've wondered why God wants us to learn lessons about loss. Why must we go through the processes of parting from things and people we love? What is gained through this pain and heartache, and what are we suppose to find when we come out the other side?

Our kitty Misty has not come home. We've searched, hunted, put up signs, been in touch with local agencies... I think only a miracle will bring her home now. The other night I had a dream that she was trapped in someone's house. She wasn't totally unhappy, but she did not feel free. She wanted to come home. The maddening thing was, in the dream the house was less than a block from my home. I get the impression that she is right under my nose, but cannot seem to find her. Although in the dream I did rescue her and bring her home, so that made me feel good, until of course I woke up and realized it was only a dream. I must accept the loss of this beautiful, sweet kitty, but my heart is not yet ready to go there.

Today I have also keenly felt the loss of connection to my birth family. I went to a new doctor who of course gave me a pile of paperwork. Thing is, when you're adopted, you can fly through a lot of that paperwork. They ask all kinds of historical questions about family diseases, and I just kept writing "adopted, unknown". Each time I wrote it I felt the anger of the disconnection -- that loss of self identity -- that others chose for me. I do not know a huge part of who I am. It feels like a tremendous void in my inner being. There is a huge sense of loss.

Then at a business meeting today we talked for a moment about Brigette, a beautiful friend of mine who passed 4 years ago from multiple myeloma. She died quickly and unexpectedly at only 44 years of age. Just weeks before my husband said good-bye to Yoda, a feline companion of 18 years, who had tongue cancer. The year before I was overwhelmed by the loss of my feline companion, Shante (pictured below), who also went from cancer. I thought of these losses as I waited under my paper gown for my new gynecologist to come and do his thing. We never know sometimes when our time will be to exit stage left, and those behind will feel a loss.

So what of it, God, how come we go through loss? I can only speak from personal experience, but I think one of the greatest lessons we get from loss is a comprehension of how deeply we love. I can't say the same is true when I lose weight, but having lost friends and animal companions, I do know the depth of love is what seems most bold in those grieving hours. Mary Hulnick, one of the founders of University of Santa Monica, once said, "The depth of our grief is a measure of how deeply we have loved." And I do believe God is showing us through our losses that we have the capacity to love so deeply.

Today I yearned for another kitty. I thought to myself, "Misty may never come home, but this may be an opportunity to love another homeless cat."

By definition loss is parting with something that we do not wish to part with (again, don't have a clue why they use this word with weight loss). It brings about a yearning for something we wish to keep. Sometimes we try so hard to hold on, which only prolongs the inevitable loss.

This happened when my kitty Shante died. The vet gave her the injection, and I began to sob uncontrollably. Shante did not die despite receiving the full dose. The vet got angry at me and told me to pull it together and tell her she could go. She was staying for me. So I did pull it together and I told her I would be okay. I would miss her terribly, but I would be okay. Took the vet 15 minutes to find another vein, and then Shante left. And as her soul left that sweet feline form, I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And as the days passed afterwards, and I cried more tears than I thought possible, it was that sense of peace that I clung to as a way to support my heart and soul. I KNEW she was okay, even if I couldn't see it with my human eyes.

So that loss taught me about God. Taught me about Spirit. About our connection despite the physical form we may take. It actually spurred the beginning of my own spiritual journey. Do you suppose that is the biggest lesson in loss -- that we are connected no matter the realm we occupy? Is this why I chose an adopted family in this lifetime -- so on some level my soul could really learn the lesson that biology does not connect us -- our divinity does?

Yes, this seems to be a good reason to experience loss. As does the experience of our measure of love. God has a plan for all of us, and even if we struggle through our lives, know that in each window of opportunity, there is a lesson to grow from.

It's All In My Head!

Friday, July 25, 2008

When I begin to cry or I'm really upset, I have that downward spiral feeling that I know is going to lead to a pit of emotion that I must wade my way out of. Ugh! Must I take this trip yet again!? It's even more exasperating when I realize it's all in my head, and my thoughts are converting to emotions that are just plain tripping me out. But then when I finally get what's trigging the inner onslaught, I reach a choice point. I can cop to it and be okay knowing that I just experienced my own mind trip. Or I can stay in that place of blame where I am positively certain that it has nothing to do with me -- for sure it is everybody else that makes me be the way that I am.

I used to be in the second position all the time. My mom made me feel insecure. My classmates made me hate my body. Society makes me hate that I am not perfect. They all made me do it!! Problem is, that defense doesn't hold up in court. We all have free will. If somebody "made" us do it, then the fact is we agreed to let it happen. Oh, it might not have been a conscious agreement that you actually thought about, but on some level I agreed to go along with whatever it is they "made" me do.

But I do like what happens when I reach that point in a self-realization journey where I get that it is all in my head. My thoughts create my feelings which motivate my actions. The fact is, I made me do it! How's that for turning the tables? And I know right now you are creasing those eyebrows wondering what nutty thinking this may be. But let me tell you, it's so true.

Tonight I'm telling my husband about insecure about my looks and how I believe he doesn't love me because I'm overweight and truly I wonder if anybody will ever love me unless I am thin... blah, blah, blah. Then I come to realize that the past 10 days have been a boom for our business. Things are going off the charts and we for sure are coming to the end of a record month on all fronts. The horizon is full of possibilities and we finally can breath easily because we know our future is secure.

Then I see that all my tripping the past 10 days about abandonment, appearance, not being loved is tied up in this great success. My brain once again goes to "Am I good enough?" And then I take a deep breath as I ask myself again, "Am I good enough?" And I see finally that these insecurities that have been plaguing me for a week are all about this tremendous success. Because I am scared shitless that I'm not up to the task. I have given myself one heck of a mind trip, and I finally gave myself permission to get off of it. What a relief!

Of course I'm good enough! I'm better than good enough, and my track record proves it! And my husband not loving me or fear of failure are all thoughts that I put in my head. Thoughts I created and I ruminated on and I grew into something larger than reality. It was simply all in my head. How nice to know that I can also CHOOSE to step out of that!

Ruminating Over Assagioli

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Tonight I was reading a friend's blog, and she brought up the discussion how others judge us for what we do. She had met somebody new, and she was concerned some of her "mistakes" in the past would cause this individual to reject her. Such a common theme... goes along this concept of abandonment which I have been tumbling in this week.

Her post reminded me of one of the fundamental concepts I had learned during my spiritual psychology coursework. It is so fundamental, they put it on the cover of their brochures:

"We are not human beings who have spiritual experiences. We are divine beings having a human experience."

Considering this concept, I remember back to learning about Robert Assagioli's psychosynthesis:

1. I have a body, but I am not my body.
2. I have emotions, but I am not my emotions.
3. I have a mind, but I am not my mind.

If we have all these things, but they do not define us,
then who are we?

"I am consciousness and will."

Hmm... what does this possibly mean? I am consciousness, but in the previous statement I detached myself from my mind. So consciousness is different than what the mind does. Is consciousness a state of being, or a state of doing, or both? To me consciousness is an awareness of the Soul. An inner knowing that there is a purpose that is greater than the physical realm we dwell in. Consciousness is a higher mind that does not operate on the physical level. It's like when you know to turn right instead of left, and then in the rear view mirror see a big accident happen. To me consciousness is a state of being. It is a being that is connected to that universal source from which we all came. It is the battery, if you will, of our lives. It drives us without directing us. But it always remains connected to a source power, and it never ceases, even when our physical selves die.

And what occurs when you combine consciousness and will? We have all heard about willful individuals. I know because I am one and I'm raising two others. Will by nature is a driving force. Something that goes full tilt ahead with little or no thought. It goes because it also knows what it single-minded about the goals it will achieve.

So conscious + will is a state of action. Together they bring to fruition the lessons of the soul. The consciousness knows why the soul incarnated in this lifetime, and the will carries the "psychology" about those lessons. In other words, the will gets us into trouble so we can find our way out and learn something from it.

Sound pretty hokey? Not really sure? Then let me ask you, is it easier to believe that we have come here to learn lessons, than to believe in a punishing God that does bad things to us? Is it easier to look at "bad" situation and wallow in it, or is it more uplifting to look at the blessings and find a way to peek at the light in the oh-so-dark tunnel?

Quick example: The ruptured aneurysm

Blessings (just a few as examples):

• Really felt the all love that comes to me from family and friends.
• For the first time in my life got down to the core of my being that my mother truly loves me.
• Gained a tremendous appreciation for my body and it's ability to heal.

Learnings (again, just a few):

• Don't trust your doctor if your intuition tells you otherwise.
• Never miss an opportunity to tell somebody you love them. You don't know if you'll have another chance.
• Accepting what is.
  

I now that life throws us curve balls sometimes. Believe me, I know. But it's not to knock us down. Honest! Look at the struggles you have in life. Consider what blessings might come of them. And consider what your soul might want to learn as well. Know that there is a purpose, and feel the realization that your consciousness and will are at work evolving the consciousness of your being.

Untangling the Web I Weave

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Today is a good day. Things seem to be going very well. Our business has suddenly taken off and we have so many wonderful projects coming in. Not sure how we're going to do them all, but I'm trusting that will happen. I have been taking care of myself food-wise and eating on plan for 3 days. I feel less tired. I only had one cup of coffee today. This is a good thing. I had my SE (somatic experiencing) appointment this morning, so I started the day in a calm, even space. My SE therapist gave us another lead on finding a live kidney donor for Steve... something to be so thrilled about. The kids are doing fabulous -- funny and fun as ever.

So with everything seeming to have fallen inline, I cannot help but wonder why I have spent most of this day feeling insecure, scared, nervous... It's as if a part of me is all shook up by the calm around. This morning my husband came to give me our morning hug, and I wondered if he was doing it because he wanted to or he felt he had to. Mid-day I was working on some projects and really feeling the stretch of learning I've had to go through to keep up. Can I do this? What if I screw something up?! And later in the day I had a group coaching call with my fabulous coach, Ralph White, and every time I spoke in the call I felt like a bumbling idiot. Me, who is usually so articulate, was stumbling over words. Didn't help that a couple of my clients were on the call. Did they think I sounded like an idiot?

It goes right back to what I wrote about the other day -- fear of abandoment. As unsignedmasterpiece said in a comment, "For what it's worth, you sound pretty loveable to me." And aren't I?

The crazy thing is, it feels like it all boils down to my weight. I hold a belief that I am truly hideous because of my weight. It does not help that I have aged considerably with two small kids and major health issues -- my body has been through the wringer in the past couple years. My hair was shocked white from the aneurysm. Oh, not all white, but even my hairdresser noticed that I went from just a little gray to about 50% gray pretty much over night.

I kid you not, I look at at myself and wonder who would love such a blob? My husband actually told me once that he isn't attracted to me overweight, and of course that just multiplied the problem exponentially. So anytime a thin, dark-haired, dark-eyed woman comes around, I'm paranoid he's packing up to run off. And I know it's just paranoia... I think. Yet the fear of it is so overwhelming. I am afraid I am not good enough because I do not look beautiful.

But this issue of my appearance goes beyond the personal. I like that I work at home and don't have to interact with others so much. I'm so worried I will be rejected based on my appearance. I'm not so great with clothes and I think and think before picking something for a business meeting. What if they don't like me because I'm fat or wearing the wrong thing? And in social situations I often dream of melding into the wallpaper so I don't have to try and keep up appearances that I feel happy with who I am.

The twists and tangles of psychology are so complex. I could probably give you five places the issues with my appearance originated from -- living in Southern California being near the top. Oh, and my mother saying, "Bonnie doesn't think she's beautiful. She knows she's plain looking." The real question is, how do we untangle this complex web of beliefs, feelings, thoughts and obsessions? Is it truly an onion that must be skinned one layer at a time?

I've done my fair share of internal work. I have a master in spiritual psychology, which is really just a degree in personal transformation. Two years of it on a monthly basis. I've done therapy, read books, done exercises at home. I've seen some of the unwinding of the onion skin -- the slow peel and the fast peel. I've seen other issues fall away and be healed forever. But this appearance psychosis... I haven't found the magic key. I know even if I lose weight, I will feel this way. The weight is a symptom of other things, and sure it effects my appearance, but I know from personal experience that this image issue is way more than just my weight.

Why do you suppose the American society is so image conscious? I've been to other countries, and they surely don't care as much as we do about appearances. People are beautiful just the way they are. But here in America they are so image conscious they do studies that prove that people who are "better looking" actually have an easier time in life. Who frickin' cares?! Yet so many of us buy into this ideology which goes against our internal esteem and in many cases we come up lacking.

I'm not saying there is an answer. All I'm saying is that amidst a finally calm and quiet time, where we have finally adjusted to the ups and downs, I feel sad. I feel sad because I am not enjoying our successes. And what I see is that in the eye of the storm, there really is nothing to distract me from the deep hole of emotions that I work so hard to keep bottled up.

When Does It End?

Monday, July 21, 2008

When does the feeling of abandonment end? Do we ever truly heal that primal wound of babyhood, being taken from our mother's bodies, and in my case separated forever? Where in the psyche does this information reside, and when does the fear of abandonment come to an end?

I'm a strong woman. I have done many, many challenging things in my life. I have accomplished so much, even my over-accomplished parents compliment me. My mother tells me today "Your father and I are proud of the woman you have become..." Of course implying ONCE AGAIN that what I was before I became the woman I am was somehow inadequate.

Tomorrow my husband is having a business meeting with a woman in our home. We work at home, she is going to be working for us, and it makes the most sense for them to meet here. Only thing is, I won't be here. I have to meet with a client about 45 minutes away. So then of course my mind goes racing. Should they be in the house alone? Do I have to worry? Why does my brain go here?! He's never given me cause to worry, but the fear of abandonment is so raw, it feels as if I am going through it again for the very first time.

I guess I have a very hard time believing anybody would ever truly love me. I mean truly -- accept me with my imperfect body, moody personality and quirky desires to know as much as my brain will hold. To really get that I make decisions based on an indescribable intuition, and I just plain refuse to interact with somebody if my intuition says no. To some I seem odd, different, unusual -- hey, let's just say plain weird.

But in my weirdness I am wonderful! Funny sometimes, always thinking, creative beyond imagination... wanting so much to help others and finding pure joy in the delight of discovery in my children. I love my work as a graphic designer, and it truly shows. I can't get enough understanding about how the human mind works. I've got hangups like everybody, but at least I cop to them. I know I'm controlling at times, I like things done MY way, I'm sure I know better than most... blah, blah, blah. I'm just like everybody else -- wonderful and imperfect all rolled into one.

Yet I cannot shake the feeling that somehow I am unlovable. That there is something in my core that cannot be removed, healed or replaced that makes me essentially unlovable. And so I go through these experiences of panic -- the fear that once again, I will be walked away from. That I will not be acceptable as me, and I will lose all over again.

Does this feeling ever go away? Can it be healed? I ask the universe, is there any way to accept the love that flows in my direction?

No More Sympathy for Me!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

So I got called out today. Happens occasionally, and if I'm in the right space, I'll actually listen to the call. I wasn't publicly called out, I was called out within my own inner realm, but still it was a shake-down from top to bottom. Bonnie, you've got to stop being so sympathetic over your life! Sympathy puts you in the mode of surrender, inaction and ineffectiveness. STOP IT!!

Have you ever thought about the difference between empathy and sympathy? To have sympathy for somebody is really tantamount to having pity for somebody. You look at them with sad eyes like they're a poor, helpless dog that needs a pat on the head. Empathy, on the other hand, is putting yourself in the position of that other person. It's looking at them, really getting what they're going through, and really connecting with their experience. In empathy, there is no judgment around their experience. There is only understanding. In sympathy, there is HUGE judgment -- you feel sorry for the person because their life is so BAD.

At USM they phrased it this way: When you look at somebody with sympathy, you put them in the victim position. Your judge their life as so bad, you feel sorry for them. However, if you look at somebody with empathy, you gain understanding of their position. There is no judgment, and you allow the person their experience without judging what the outcome might be. Sympathy locks the person into where they are. Empathy gives the person a way out.

You know, how you think of others fuels the energy of their circumstance. Just like "The Secret" can work for you, it works when you project ideas onto others. If you sympathize with a person, you add fuel to their story about "woe is me" and "look at the horrible circumstances that keep me trapped in my rat maze."

But when you empathize with a person, you do not add negative fuel to their circumstance, you add only love and compassion. And in that space, the individual can rise to the occasion and overcome their circumstance.

Sympathy = victimizes

Empathy = empowers

We do this within ourselves as much as we do it with others. So when I sympathize all over my weight issues, I only keep myself in that space. I create a comfortable victim chair and I sit in it and ask others to gather around and commiserate in my story. But when I empathize with my life-long food struggles, and the frustration with my endocrine system, I look at them for what they are -- challenges that create an opportunity for me to rise to the occasion and overcome them. In empathy I am powerful and I empower others. In sympathy we all wallow in the same cesspool.

So the sympathy ends today. I got called out on an internal memo, and it clearly stated the sympathy was no longer wanted or acceptable. I am fully capable of healing, growing and transforming any life challenge into a positive and brilliant end. Heck, I went to the edge of death and came back, and anything after that is truly going to be a cinch!

Pass the Bottle, Please!!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

I rarely drink. I could probably count on one, maybe two hands how many drinks I have in a year. Not that I have a problem with alcohol, just don't really care for how I feel in the morning. It's an easy refusal. But sometimes there are days where I practically grovel for a drink. Please pass the wine, I need to release the pent-up air inside this tired body. Today was one of those days. A very busy work week, not sleeping well, forgot to take my prescriptions this morning... it all adds up to a woe is me attitude that makes me want to drown in a bottle. Food just isn't strong enough for days like these.

I wonder at what point in life I am going to love my physical self the way I am. To stop admonishing myself for my figure that carries too much poundage, or the face that aged overnight when kids and health issues became a part of my life. For hating my lack of energy, my languishing muscles or achey joints. When will I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, she looks like a nice person." or "She's rather pretty." These days I feel tired, worn out and just plain beat. Nobody seems to get that I don't have extra minutes in the morning to put on makeup, let alone an hour a day to do exercise. I always swore I would never end up being one of those tired-looking, disheveled mothers who always wore t-shirts and sweats. But here I am, exactly that.

How do mothers do it? How do you have children, work, take care of a house, have a relationship with your husband plus manage a social life and some "fun" activities (what are those?!). I cannot seem to find the balance, and I am always in the verge of tears. I hate the way I look, I hate the feeling of being overweight, I hate being unhealthy, I hate worrying about the health repercussions. I just hate it. Yet I don't change it. I try, but I don't do. I just keep trying.

Pray tell, God, Angels, anybody listening... pray tell, how do I muster what I need to make a change?