Monday, July 21, 2008
When does the feeling of abandonment end? Do we ever truly heal that primal wound of babyhood, being taken from our mother's bodies, and in my case separated forever? Where in the psyche does this information reside, and when does the fear of abandonment come to an end?
I'm a strong woman. I have done many, many challenging things in my life. I have accomplished so much, even my over-accomplished parents compliment me. My mother tells me today "Your father and I are proud of the woman you have become..." Of course implying ONCE AGAIN that what I was before I became the woman I am was somehow inadequate.
Tomorrow my husband is having a business meeting with a woman in our home. We work at home, she is going to be working for us, and it makes the most sense for them to meet here. Only thing is, I won't be here. I have to meet with a client about 45 minutes away. So then of course my mind goes racing. Should they be in the house alone? Do I have to worry? Why does my brain go here?! He's never given me cause to worry, but the fear of abandonment is so raw, it feels as if I am going through it again for the very first time.
I guess I have a very hard time believing anybody would ever truly love me. I mean truly -- accept me with my imperfect body, moody personality and quirky desires to know as much as my brain will hold. To really get that I make decisions based on an indescribable intuition, and I just plain refuse to interact with somebody if my intuition says no. To some I seem odd, different, unusual -- hey, let's just say plain weird.
But in my weirdness I am wonderful! Funny sometimes, always thinking, creative beyond imagination... wanting so much to help others and finding pure joy in the delight of discovery in my children. I love my work as a graphic designer, and it truly shows. I can't get enough understanding about how the human mind works. I've got hangups like everybody, but at least I cop to them. I know I'm controlling at times, I like things done MY way, I'm sure I know better than most... blah, blah, blah. I'm just like everybody else -- wonderful and imperfect all rolled into one.
Yet I cannot shake the feeling that somehow I am unlovable. That there is something in my core that cannot be removed, healed or replaced that makes me essentially unlovable. And so I go through these experiences of panic -- the fear that once again, I will be walked away from. That I will not be acceptable as me, and I will lose all over again.
Does this feeling ever go away? Can it be healed? I ask the universe, is there any way to accept the love that flows in my direction?
2 comments:
"Does this feeling ever go away? Can it be healed? I ask the universe, is there any way to accept the love that flows in my direction?"
I have to believe that it does. I see in my daughter the same questioning of her worthiness even though she doesn't see it. I have to believe their is healing for all of us Dear Bonnie... I have to believe there is hope.
Hugs :)
Kristy
I was just thinking of writing something about this.
My doctor is a very wise woman. Sometimes when something has happened with my son, he may said something not very nice, if I have an appointment with her, I will share it. Her response to me always is, "That's abandonment talking." I think it is one of the saddest things about adoption that we who gave you up contributed to this when we assured we were doing what was best.
For what it's worth, you sound pretty loveable to me. I'm being flip but it pains me because sometimes I think the corollary (sp?)is that adoptees have a hard time accepting love even when it's there.
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