Pass the Bottle, Please!!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

I rarely drink. I could probably count on one, maybe two hands how many drinks I have in a year. Not that I have a problem with alcohol, just don't really care for how I feel in the morning. It's an easy refusal. But sometimes there are days where I practically grovel for a drink. Please pass the wine, I need to release the pent-up air inside this tired body. Today was one of those days. A very busy work week, not sleeping well, forgot to take my prescriptions this morning... it all adds up to a woe is me attitude that makes me want to drown in a bottle. Food just isn't strong enough for days like these.

I wonder at what point in life I am going to love my physical self the way I am. To stop admonishing myself for my figure that carries too much poundage, or the face that aged overnight when kids and health issues became a part of my life. For hating my lack of energy, my languishing muscles or achey joints. When will I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, she looks like a nice person." or "She's rather pretty." These days I feel tired, worn out and just plain beat. Nobody seems to get that I don't have extra minutes in the morning to put on makeup, let alone an hour a day to do exercise. I always swore I would never end up being one of those tired-looking, disheveled mothers who always wore t-shirts and sweats. But here I am, exactly that.

How do mothers do it? How do you have children, work, take care of a house, have a relationship with your husband plus manage a social life and some "fun" activities (what are those?!). I cannot seem to find the balance, and I am always in the verge of tears. I hate the way I look, I hate the feeling of being overweight, I hate being unhealthy, I hate worrying about the health repercussions. I just hate it. Yet I don't change it. I try, but I don't do. I just keep trying.

Pray tell, God, Angels, anybody listening... pray tell, how do I muster what I need to make a change?