Crying It Out

Sunday, July 13, 2008

We are told by many specialists that crying it out is not the way to go with kids. They will end up not trusting adults, they will overexert themselves, it will cause all kinds of harm. I happen to agree with this group of experts. We've never let our kids cry it out. Work it out, not cry it out.

But I on the other hand think crying it out is very healthy for an adult. And when I mean crying it out, I mean crying about something that has no other means of release than deep-heart-wrenching sobbing. Crying so hard you cannot breath, the tears sting your cheeks and your shirt is wet from the waterfall of emotions. It feels so good, even though it is exhausting.

Last night Steve and I went to a play in the park. We were invited by a very nice couple whom I enjoy talking to. Through the course of the conversation, I became pensive and sad feeling bad about myself because I thought I spoken too much (I've been told I'm an excessive talker, so sometimes I worry about this in social situations). Steve and I ended up taking a bit of a walk. The park was by the ocean, so we went to look at the ocean waters lapping in the half-moon light. We saw a small family of racoons who walked right by -- three moms and a baby. And I talked about how I was feeling.

I'm not sure how it got there, but it came to the subject of my friend who has cancer. My friend who I love like a sister, who has a cancer that doesn't seem to know that it is unwanted despite every effort to get it to stop growing. This cancer is spreading at a rapid pace, and it has already invaded several internal organs. It started as breast cancer, so you know when it gets to the organs, it's traveled far.

My dear friend, whom I love so much, who I am so afraid of losing. And that's where I lost it. I finally lost it totally and completely, and amongst the roar of the waves, where nobody could hear, I sobbed. Steve held me and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY FRIEND!!! I sobbed out the feelings of despair. The unfairness of the whole situation. The anger that I have to go through this, and even more the rage that she has to go through this. I cried until I coughed because my asthma kicked in a little. I cried until my throat hurt because it was hoarse. I cried it out, and it felt good!

This morning my eyes are burning. I'm sure they are puffy but I haven't even cared to check. My heart is still sad, but I do feel like a damn finally broke and a huge backlog of emotion was released. I've been holding this in for months, and I've been wanting to let it out, but with this crazy, busy life, I did not have any place to just scream. But last night, the ocean gave me the smokescreen, my husband created the space, and I finally understood the concept of crying it out. It truly is a better way to go when the emotions run so deep you can barely keep your head above their sticky waters.