What Defines Me?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Well I've finally done it. Added a blog to my To Do list. With all the crazy antics my life seems to whirl around, why on earth would I want one more? Probably because I keep talking to myself. Over and over my brain munches away on words, pondering life, pondering the future, pondering the behavior of those that make me scrunch my eyebrows. Yes, the brain is an overflow of discussion. And I want to dump it out in a place that makes sense. If I put it on my computer it will just sit there untouched and probably fester into a virus. But if I put it out into cyberspace, there is a possibility that I will be released from it because I am sending it ELSEWHERE.

Where is the Internet? Do you suppose it is the metaphor for the universal energy we all call GOD? Hmm....

It's hard to say what defines me as a person. I spent half my life trying to be defined, and I've spent the other half of my life discovering what is uniquely me. I think what defines me most are the experiences I have had.

I was adopted as a baby. Common consensus is that this doesn't effect the baby. Well I can put bullshit all over that one. Definitely the deepest psychological mark on my psyche. But hey, when you're mom's a shrink who knows it all, you don't get to cry painful experience. This one truly does define me and how I approach people and life. Can we talk about abandonment issues? I'll save that for another time. And yes, I am interested in finding out my biological roots, but fate does not seem to play favor in that regard.

I am a creative individual. This has been my saving grace in life. I love to create. My license on my car even says so. Creative activities have been a huge coping mechanism for me. As a child I did all kinds of stitchery. I used to say I did everything with needles except drugs. I became a graphic designer after slogging through architecture school. And just a couple years ago I learned how to paint. Creativity is my oxygen, my outlet, my way of being. This one is a cornerstone of my survival and my existence. I LOVE being a creative individual.

I am a woman. Can't get away from this one (darn it!). I don't mind being female in the brain. Rather like that. But I have so many body issues. I hate having a monthly cycle that is ever-changing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing to be male. Don't send me links to doctors who do sex change operations. That's not what I'm saying here. It's just a pain to be female so much of the time. In architecture school some teachers were openly prejudiced against the female students. I think it's a huge reason I didn't go into that career. Then I ironically end up in printing, which is primarily male. And along the way I did some custom software development, which was also primarily male. But I've felt I've had to prove myself as a woman, and it's annoying. I love that I'm female and I got to be the moms of my kids. I loved being pregnant and knowing that that came from my tummy. But I don't like the being-ness of the female in the world. I struggle there.

I am overweight. Yep, this one defines me bigtime. This is the one that preoccupies so much of that cranial electricity. Body image has been a tornado of emotions and struggles for me. The shame runs deep, and the support seems shallow. In our society being overweight is looked at as a form of laziness or lack of caring. In my case I have true endocrine issues, but I also have true eating issues. And together they created a lovely battle which I have been dancing with for oh, about 30 years. Joy!

I'm a mom to two beautiful boys. Gabriel is 5 and so smart and so imaginative I cannot believe I ever held the belief that boys weren't as creative as girls. He is the greatest gift of my life. His introduction into my heart taught me the true experience of unconditional love. His entry assisted me in finding a place within me that I did not know existed. Yes, my beautiful boy is such a gem.

My younger son is Jeremy. He is just two. And I doubt you will often meet such a joyful, sunny, funny little personality as our Jeremy is. He makes me laugh every day, and he spreads sunshine wherever he goes. His soul is older than any I have met, and his smile lights up even the darkest rooms. Yes, my darling Jeremy, whom I cried over when I found out he wasn't a girl, is in fact the perfect son for our household. We needed more of that tremendous joy.

I am wife to Steve. He is 10 years my senior, although I often wonder if the calendar got mixed up on that account. Steve tries so hard to be a great husband, but I think I am a truly challenging wife. I am so headstrong and independent, and he exercises his intuition so much trying to figure me out. The problem is, as a creative individual, I am always changing my mind. Lovely, sweet Steve. I'm not what you were expecting. But I am uniquely me! I am grateful that you care enough to keep trying. I love you for that.

I almost died once. Oh, and above and beyond all that has happened in life, I'm certain a defining moment is the whole "ruptured aneurysm" story. That's what it is, you know, just a story. But it's a story I'm oddly proud of because it proved to be a defining experience on all levels of consciousness. Not only the physical, which was excruciating and took months to recover from, but on the spiritual, mental and emotional. I do know it was my exit point. My choice before incarnation to exit stage left. But I made it a choice point instead of an exit point, and because of my God-sent amazing angelic boys, I chose to live. I CHOSE to live. The doctors were surprised. My father was surprised (he's a doctor too). I was even surprised. But I remember when I awoke from the emergency surgery, my first thought was "Oh, I decided to live." The I in that sentence being the big I, or big S "Self" -- i.e. my SOUL. My living, conscious, etheral, G0d-connected soul, took an unexpected turn in this planned life. Many things changed that day. Many things...

What are the lessons I am here to learn? What is the purpose of this pain? Why do I write? What do I expect in return? Probably a beep from a distant computer. After all, the chatter may have calmed in the mind, but here I am talking to a computer. But computers are my friends. They have distracted me hours on end when internal emotions were too raw to process. computers have provided me the support and sustenance when my family of origin drove me to the brink, and therapists were screwing up my thinking and I felt so jumbled and confused inside I would literally spend about 7 hours a night watching TV in an effort to numb out. Computers gained me a successful career. Made me shine when I wanted to turn out my own light. Helped me keep my brain alive when it wanted to fizzle. I guess it seems appropriate that I would be talking to a computer. Truly, computers have shaped and saved my life. They are one relationship that without a doubt has truly defined me...